trigger warning: heavy discussions of grooming, mentions of abuse and molestation.
Youtuber, Colleen Ballinger, who is best known for her character Miranda Sings, is currently under fire for her inappropriate relationship with underage fans. She has been seen in leaked group chat screenshots asking them inappropriate and sexual questions, manipulating them into harassing people in return for recognition, venting to them about her marriage problems and depression, and overall just overstepping boundaries with children as young as 15-years-old.
Adam McIntyre, a Youtuber who used to be a fan of Colleen and one of her closest “confidants” (gross), came out about her inappropriate behavior with him in 2020. But he was quickly ran off the internet after Colleen’s “apology” video came out two weeks later. In that video, she basically calls him a liar and turns the internet against him. Recently though, Adam’s story was backed by another Youtuber named Kodee Tyler, they shared screenshots of Colleen and a friend of hers who were behind the scenes “manipulating” them into making videos calling Adam a liar (I put it in quotes because Kodee Tyler is not an innocent person, they are a full grown adult that also has been caught texting teenagers). Kodee’s video gave Adam the space to come back out and share more without being shamed, and that’s what he’s been doing for the last few weeks.
I’ve personally never been a fan of Colleen or Miranda, I’ve never found her funny so I never kept up with her. But this story has caught my attention, because I find it disgusting how long this has gone on without anybody calling her into question. I remember seeing Adam’s original video in quarantine, and being disgusted then but I never realized that people didn’t believe him.
In Colleen’s response video, she admits to texting minors. But she flips the script on him saying that he said gross stuff about her son (he did not) and alludes to him trying to ruin her career because he was upset with her. There’s so much context and information in this story that I just don’t have time to go over, so I’ll link his video about it here. But at the end of the day, regardless of context, Colleen Ballinger used her power to manipulate children into thinking that they were her friends which allowed her to get whatever she could out of them. Information on her ex, harassing people that spread hate about her without getting her hands dirty, she even got unpaid social media marketing help from Adam for years. Because these kids thought that she liked them.
Why couldn’t Colleen ask her adult friends for help on what to do with Miranda Sings? Why couldn’t she vent to them about her ex husband? Why couldn’t she text them when she was feeling depressed and lonely, or when the hate was getting to her?
Because adults would ask for compensation for their work right away, adults would recognize obsessive behavior, adults would ask her to see a therapist, and tell her to stop searching up her name.
Think about a time when you were a kid, handling something with your friends, maybe it’s an argument, or trying to talk to someone you liked. In that situation, there’s probably something you did that makes you shake your head or cringe, something that you would do differently now. Because when you’re a kid, you don’t have the social or logical skills that adults have. When you’re a kid, everything is so big and dramatic. Everything has urgency.
I obviously don’t know what Colleen was seeking from those children, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what she wanted to feel. Maybe she wanted to feel zeroed in on, in the way that properly functioning adults wouldn’t have treated her. Because, be serious.
Obviously there is the factor of being in such close contact with your idol that she is also manipulating, which is another reason why she’s not going to people on her level, because they’re not going to fawn over her the way people that are running fanpages for her would. But I want to focus on the power that an adult can have over a child on their own, regardless of fame.
There’s a trope that I really cannot stand. I think above all the different tropes in media that I’ve seen that I turn my nose up at, this one takes the cake for the one that really upsets me. The teacher/student trope. The one where a teacher and a student enter a romantic “relationship”. There are so many shows on television that have played with this trope, whether it be a subplot, the main plot, or quick scene and so many shows have treated it like it was nothing. Like it’s an experimentation for the adult, and a love story for the child. Some treat the child like the aggressor and the adult like the passive, so it’s more acceptable because the child in the situation is “aware” of what they’re doing.
There are so many to choose from, Puck and Shelby from Glee, Sav and Ms. Oh from Degrassi Next Generation, Max and Rafa from Gossip Girl (2021), Ms. Carr and Dan from Gossip Girl (2007), Paige and Mr. Pedophile–I mean, Oleander from Degrassi Next Generation, Archie and Ms. Grundy from Riverdale, and unfortunately, the list goes on and on and on.
Maybe the trope gets to me so much because I’ve been manipulated into supporting a couple that came from it. Everybody, you know Ezria, right?
You’ve either met a fully adjusted adult or an adult who spent her Tuesday night when she was a teenager yelling at Bryon and Ella Montgomery for having the nerve to be upset that English teacher Ezra Fitz was in a relationship with his sixteen year old student and their daughter, Aria Montgomery.
Pretty Little Liars has made a lot of mistakes, but Ezria has to be their biggest and most egregious. Teen girls everywhere, thinking it’s okay for a grown ass man to be with them romantically if they know enough about literature to make them seem mature. Too many people have come online to say that they find it scary, remembering how worked up they got when people wouldn’t approve of Aria and Ezra being together. And I remember being in that same boat, I might as well have gotten “Age ain’t nothin’ but a number” tattooed across my chest!
I remember when it was revealed that Ezra knew who she was and how old she was the entire time, and that he only got with her for material for his book about Alison’s disappearance. That’s when it got gross to me, knowing that he willingly sought out a teenage girl instead of accidentally getting caught up with her, and ‘not knowing’ how old she was.
Except, even if he wasn’t writing that book, you always know when you’re talking to a teenager. There’s a difference in the way they approach conversation, the way that they approach conflict, their topics of conversation, the way they look and the way they dress. There’s not a real argument for the “these kids look too old nowadays” crowd, because kids will always look like kids. Go back and look at your 2017 Snapchat memories and come back and try to tell me that I’m wrong.
“I saw my brother the other day, he’s 17 now. Same age I was. And he looks so fucking young.” – Eric Walker (A Teacher)
In Genera+ion (rest in peace), Chester finds his guidance counselor that he has a crush on, on a dating app and starts messaging him. Chester is a kid that struggles with feeling lonely and depressed, and only really feels seen by this guidance counselor. When the counselor finds out, he clearly states boundaries and transfers him to another counselor so that he can still get help but also so that no more lines can be blurred between the two of them.
I remember watching this and genuinely being shocked at the outcome. Because I couldn’t recall the last time I saw a television show completely object to the idea of a teacher being with a student. I just knew that Sam was going to kiss Chester and I was going to have to sit through yet another disgusting teacher/student relationship. But I was pleasantly surprised.
To me, aside from parents, teachers are some of the most important adults in a child’s life. They spend just as much time with the kids as the parents do, and in some sad cases– even more. It’s natural for a child to feel connected to a teacher, or even feel like a teacher is their friend and their equal because children don’t have the same boundaries that we do. And let’s not pretend that crushes on those teachers aren’t normal, I could name a few! But if any of those teachers were to respond to anything they may have interpreted as flirting, or just to approach me in any manner – you’re going to jail!
So even when a child is aggressively pursuing a relationship outside the boundaries of the profession of teaching, it’s on the full grown adult to shut it down. That’s why the “love story” in Pretty Little Liars doesn’t move me. (anymore)
The interesting part about the Aria/Ezra dynamic is that, whether they meant for it or not (most likely not because Marlene King is not a serious woman), it clearly portrays a victim/groomer dynamic between the two of them but it’s framed as romantic. Aria is isolated from her friends, and things that people her age would usually be involved in. She’s completely panicked and destroyed when Ezra ignores her or is upset with her. He constantly reminds her that she wanted this, she was the one who wanted them to be together, but he never makes the true effort to distance them or report her to an adult, or her parents. Aria did not hold him prisoner and force them together, she approached the relationship like she would a high school relationship and he made himself open to that.
“You don’t make me unhappy. I mean, you totally mess me up and I feel miserable sometimes but you don’t make me unhappy.” – Aria Montgomery (Pretty Little Liars)
All of the times that Ezra and Aria have relationship problems while she’s still in high school is the result of him expecting her to behave like an adult in their relationship and then pulling away when she doesn’t, when he should never have expected that from her in the first place. We’re supposed to feel disappointed with Aria when she doesn’t approach their relationship with the maturity that an adult would, when she’s not one. She embarrasses him in his place of work by accidentally calling him Ezra, and the problem is that she has no boundaries, when he is dating a sixteen year old girl
And it’s not just Ezra. 24 year old Wren kisses Spencer while he’s engaged to Melissa, and Spencer is made out to be the boyfriend-stealer, when he made the move on the child. Ian also kissed Spencer and had a full on relationship with Alison. People to this day ship Aria with Jason, when he’s the same age as Ezra. Detective Wilden had sex with Alison. Ella’s fiance in Season 5 makes a move on Hanna and the problem is that he was a cheating scumbag, not that he was interested in teenage girls. The funny thing is that with these guys, there were no stakes, no discussions about how much trouble these guys could get into. Because the problem that people had with Ezra was his position, not his age. People hyper focused on the power dynamics of him being her English Teacher, when the power dynamics within his age are just as much of a problem. And when he left Rosewood High, they dated like it was nothing. (He even took her to her goddamn high school dance!)
A lot of shows have this problem, the belief that the issue with dating your student begins and ends at “I could get fired” and “this is inappropriate because I’m your teacher” when that’s just incorrect.
In Glee, when Shelby Corchran is pursuing a relationship with her adopted daughter’s father Puck, a high school student. We’re made to believe that it would be okay otherwise if she wasn’t his teacher, because he’s 18. When Quinn rightfully wants to tell Principal Figgins what she knows (regardless of her selfish reasons), she’s made out to be the villain for ‘taking food away’ from Shelby’s child’s mouth, as if Shelby didn’t already ignore that risk when she willingly entered a relationship with her student.
I watched Hulu’s ‘A Teacher’ recently, so that I could expand on this topic. I had ignored the show for a while because I assumed it was yet another show romanticizing the idea of an adult, specifically an adult woman, sleeping with a child. There’s a big problem when it comes to the ignorance when approaching the topic of female predators that too many shows and movies seem to profit off of. The idea that male victims are less than, because of the patriarchal idea that males should be able to fight off their attacker because they’re male. Or that if an older woman even looks twice at a young boy, it’s a badge of honor that they must wear or else they’re less of a “man”.
See Above: Glee scene of Artie and Sam completely discrediting Ryder sharing his story with them about being molested by his babysitter because it’s “every guy’s dream”.
Almost everything that I’ve seen with a female teacher and young boys, whether it’s developed into a romantic relationship or not, is sexualized beyond belief. As if it’s something to aspire to. Like Sav finally ‘bagging’ the hot teacher that every student had a crush on was a feat of some kind.
(Pictured Above: Degrassi’s Sav Bhandari and Ms. Oh in their incredibly uncomfortable relationship that I’ve skipped every second of.)
‘A Teacher’ was not like that at all though, they made sure to give a glimpse into what grooming can really look like for a victim of it. In all the ways that for the child, it can seem like they’re in control. All the subtle ways that the adult can open the door for that boundary being crossed, without ever saying outright that it’s something that they want. In order to keep their own hands clean.
“You offered to tutor me, you took me to UT, you insisted that I call you Claire. You took me away from that dance and you told me to get in the backseat of the car. [...] Do you know how long it took me to figure out that I wasn’t responsible? That you were the one creating those moments?” — Eric Walker (‘A Teacher’)
I really appreciated the way they explored Eric’s stages in understanding what happened to him. There’s a really sad moment that stuck with me for the entire show. After coming home from being with his teacher, he would stare at himself in the mirror and say “I’m the motherfucking man”. On the surface, it’s sad enough that a teenage boy would feel that that’s indicative of him being a man. But the sadder part lies underneath, when you realize he’s trying to convince himself, because he knows deep down that something isn't right.
The subtlety of it all to me was the most important thing to cover and outright address. Because of the way that people like to pick and choose when children get to know better. When we talk about children and what they’re old enough for and what they’re mentally ready for. It’s always split. They’re too young to wear makeup, to have social media, to get their nails done. But they’re old enough to be manipulative.
Y’all know what show I’m bringing up next, right?
“You know, everyone always treats me like a kid. You’re the first grown-up I’ve ever met who actually treats me like, you know, a person!” – Penny Carson (Bojack Horseman)
Bojack was never actually Penny’s teacher but he taught her how to drive so I’m using it as a loophole.
In Bojack Horseman, Bojack does a lot of despicable things. But I think the moment that the audience is meant to see that he’s absolutely irredeemable is the moment he leaves his boat door open, inviting 17-year-old Penny inside to have sex.
Because Bojack Horseman does not have a serious fandom, a lot of people debate whether or not Penny had a right to feel wronged by Bojack years after the prom incident. Because Penny was the one who asked to have sex with him. Because Penny, not once, but twice, approached him about it. And even though Bojack left the door open, how was he to know she was going to follow him in there?
When you’re a teenager, you spend a lot of your time over-compensating for how confused you are. Pretending like you know what you’re doing, saying things that people would not normally say and doing things that people would not normally do. In Cruel Summer, when Kate Wallis is having issues with her parents, she runs to her vice principal Mr. Harris, who has been doing everything in his power to make himself available to her so that he could begin a relationship with her. Every adult in their right mind would see everything he was doing as wrong and would never even think to put themselves in a situation where they’d find themselves knocking on a creepy old man's door for help, but Kate Wallis wasn’t an adult.
As 50 year old Bojack invited himself to Penny’s prom, becoming someone she could confide in because he would back all of her immature decisions, Penny began to see Bojack as her friend. When the adult viewers are all watching like, “What the hell are you doing?”
We spend all of ‘Escape from LA’ seeing how lost, confused and insecure Penny was. Bojack preyed on that, because he wanted a version of her mom that would look at him as a god and do whatever he wanted. When Penny first approaches him, the only thing stopping him was the chance he still had with the real thing.
But Charlotte was an adult woman, who from the first moment we see her again, had moved on completely from the old life that she shared with Bojack and Herb when they were in their twenties. And throughout the series, we watch Bojack try his hardest to appeal to people and women that are younger than him because of their naivete, because they can’t really call him out, because what do they know? Charlotte is not one of those women. But Penny was.
When Charlotte rejects him, because she valued the life that she built for herself, the responsibilities she had as a wife and a mother, he leaves rejected, only to find young Penny – who looks just like her mother – waiting for him on his boat. And even though he tells her, “Go to bed, Penny.”, he leaves his door open for her. If he didn’t want her to follow him inside, why didn’t he call for Charlotte? Why didn’t he object as strongly as he did on the porch just moments before? Why did he allow her to get on the bed and start undoing his tie? Why did he put his hand on her lower back?
This is the subtlety I’m talking about, the little things adults do to manipulate children into thinking they’re the ones in control. So that when the shit hits the fan, they blame themselves instead of the adult that was trusted to keep them safe.
When you take a closer look at the conversations people have about manipulation, assault, abuse, and grooming– there’s a dangerous realization to be had.
People don’t take the little things serious.
I’ve noticed firsthand that when you tell someone about abuse that you’ve endured, the ears don’t perk up until you mention the punches thrown. The degradation, the neglect, the small hints and signs go under the radar because they’re “not that serious”.
But if you look up ‘grooming’ in the dictionary, the little things make up the entire action. It’s a preparation for something worse.
grooming
2. the practice of preparing or training someone for a particular purpose or activity
3. the action of attempting to form a relationship with a child or young person, with the intention of sexually assaulting them or inducing them to commit an illegal act such as selling drugs or joining a terrorist organization
All a child ever wants to do when they’re young is grow up. They look at all the adults around them and they want to be just like them. There’s an automatic trust that children have in the world and in people. And people take advantage of that all the time. There should be no assumption that a child physically can take advantage of an adult when the adult holds all that trust in the palm of their hand and can at any moment choose what to do with it. And choose to alter the course that a child’s life can take.
“I will never be just one click away from this Claire. I have to live with this forever, and so do you.” – Eric Walker (A Teacher)
If you’ve ever had issues with a manipulative parent, or just a really manipulative adult in your life – you recognize that feeling like they own a remote control that dictates whether or not you’re allowed to have a good day. When they’re upset with you, that feeling is like the world is ending. It doesn’t feel like it’s something that will ever stop, and when they’re upset you have to be upset too. There’s this feeling of panic that you have a certain window of time to make them happy with you again, and you do everything that you can to get there.
Even if you didn’t do anything wrong. Even if deep down you know that you’re in the right or what’s happening is unfair. There’s a voice in your head telling you that you have to make it right or else.
That’s how much power an adult can have over a kid, without doing anything. Because they’ve been here longer, they know more, and they understand more. And they use that to their advantage. In every teacher/student plot line, there’s always a scene where the child is knocking down the adult’s door apologizing profusely for something they “did” to make them upset. Even if the plot is meant to be a romanticization of the relationship, somehow that makes it in. I think the idea that these writers subconsciously write in the unfair power dynamic not realizing what they’re saying about it is interesting.
The legal ages can differ depending on the state and the teenager can appear mature for their age but at the end of the day, an adult will always have an advantage no matter the position, because of age and life experience and what they can do with those things.
The ending of "A Teacher" is so heartbreaking and has this lingering feeling of uncertainty for Eric that I think was really needed with this trope. Most kids don't ever learn they were never in the wrong until they have kids of their own, and the fact he knows its his burden to carry forever? God.
Another amazing article, wow. And it'll always be "fuck Bojack"!
ugh every word of this, just yes! I too was roped into shipping Ezria with my life and it really disturbs me when I fully realize how much pedophilia and abuse that show romanticized at every opportunity. A big fuck you to Marlene King but also to every writer and producer on that show!